Helping adults cope with tragedy

There are a lot of resources on how to help children cope with tragedy (such as the mass shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut or the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado) but not so much on helping adults.  Like children, adults are stressed, upset, angry, fearful, sad, perhaps even guilty.  But, while children aren't expected to deal logically (and analytically) with sadness, fear and grief, adults are. However, when it comes to dealing with powerful emotions, it just doesn't work that way.

A lot of times when adults try to talk about it, they'll get logical platitudes such as; "all things must pass; it'll get better with time; every dark cloud has a silver lining; when one door closes another opens; it's part of God's plan;" etc. Or, worse, "get over it; suck it up;" and more.  The problem is, those are analytical, thinking responses to an emotional feeling and, just as I discovered with people choking in competition, trying to change an emotional feeling analytically isn't very effective.

When I look at people, it's like I see a pressure cooker. When someone is having an emotional reaction to a tragedy or other stressful situation, that pressure cooker is building up steam and, just like a pressure cooker has a relief valve, they have to let off steam or they'll blow.

What happens if they blow? Back on April 20, 1999 (the day of the Columbine High School shooting in Colorado), I was taking a work break and going for a short walk. As I walked around a corner adjacent to a high-rise, a man in his late 20's hit the pavement after jumping from a high floor. That's something I'll never forget. When I got back to the office, my co-workers told me about the Columbine High School massacre. I still don't think it was coincidental. I can't even imagine what emotions, I'm guessing triggered from the Columbine massacre, led that man to take his own life. But, I do know that's the power of anger, fear, sadness, pain, grief and guilt, and that was one of those pivotal moments that led me to do what I do now, helping people let go of those emotions and find peace of mind.

So, what can you do to help? You can listen, validate and avoid judgements or platitudes. What that means is, even if you disagree conceptually with what someone is saying, you acknowledge that they have the right to how they feel. You don't have to agree with them. You're just validating that they have the right to how they feel. Sometimes that's really all we want (or need). We don't want someone to logically persuade us that we really shouldn't feel the way we do, but just acknowledge as a human being we have the right to our feelings.

I believe that's one of the best ways we can help adults reduce the pressure of the negative stress inside them, especially brought on by tragedies around us.

Three Secrets to Overcome Sports Anxiety

It's called sports anxiety, choking under pressure, being in a slump or having the yips. The bottom line is that not being able to do your best under pressure in competition erodes confidence, saps motivation, eliminates opportunities and kills sports careers.

The Clock is Ticking for Tiger Woods

I recently read an article that had interviews with sports psychologists (and other therapists) talking about Tiger Woods and his denial, shame, addictions, etc.

Great Golf Tip to Boost Your Mental Game

Here's a great golf tip to boost your mental game.

Thanks to Sam Snead, a great golfer, for making this tip possible.



David Kenward - The Mental Coach

What To Do When A Player Won't Get Rid Of Their Pain

Do you know a baseball player, golfer (or someone else) in emotional pain? Maybe it's coming out as being in a slump, choking under pressure, withdrawing from competition or even quitting their sport. It's a problem with their mental game, it's holding them back and you'd think they want relief. But, they rebuff efforts to help them, perhaps even sabotaging suggestions or solutions.

Anyone Think Tiger Woods Doesn't Have A Problem With His Mental Game?

As I watched Tiger Woods lose the Chevron World Challenge (after starting the final round with a four-stroke lead), I couldn't help wondering - are there any golf enthusiasts out there who DON'T think Tiger Woods has a problem with his mental game?

Tiger Woods' Mental Game is What's Broken, Not His Swing

The latest Tiger Woods' news is that he's working with Canadian swing coach Sean Foley to redo his swing. I agree that working with a pro to build or improve mechanics is often a great idea.

BUT, Tiger Woods already has a great golf swing and he's certainly proved it, time and time again. So what's going on that he's in such a slump? My take on it is that Tiger Woods' mental game is broken, not his swing.